The Feel to End

I just feel like ending everything and moving away to a place of no return. A average person like me who is an introvert and no special capabilities is of no use to society nor to the dear ones.

The only thing that I remember right from day-1 of my life was to study, study and only study. Life has been a real hell to me. After obeying everything in life what I am left with is a bunch of text and and redundant half knowledge, without knowing the practical use of  it.

Sometimes I wonder why was I ever born. So much of hatred I have against myself. I am not blaming anyone. I am the only person responsible for it. I was too obedient right from the start of my life. I should have always trusted my instincts. But I gave more importance to the society and neglected my thoughts, my desire to succeed.

What is success in my life ? I don't have an answer for this. You become successful  only when you are either good at something or you have a passion for something and want to reach the apex of it. That becomes the driving force of your life and pushes you in the right direction. In my case, I am just scattered in all the directions. So can't channelize my energy and knowledge in the right direction.

I never had anyone in my life with whom I could share or trust. I was there for everyone during their tough times but no one was there when I needed them. Everyone's busy in their own world. They forgot me and my existence. People like these will come searching for you, when you become successful, till then no one will bother about you. Sometimes I wonder, I don't even belong to this world.

It's strange that I am writing a blog here, without knowing if anyone in this connected world would be reading me or not. Its just that that I wanted to write about this stuff. Someday, someone will come to know about this and will try to connect with me. Maybe that would be the day when I would have found a real friend.     

The Lost Identity

I have lost my identity. Yes it's true. People of my country don't treat me as a citizen of their country. They tell me, I belong to a different state. The state tells me I belong to a different region, the region tells me I belong to a different religion, the religion tells me I speak a different language, the language tells me I am of a different color.

In this process of differentiation, we all have forgotten that, before belonging to any particular region, religion, state or country, we belong to this earth. For this planet we are human beings but for the rest of the universe we are earthly beings. There is so much of differentiation and discrimination around us.

Earlier life was so simple, we belonged to the land, where we were born, no need of any higher authority to authenticate our identity. But today a bunch of documents decide to which country we belong. Our lives are so insecure. Technology has made our lives so translucent even our secret and passionate moments can be found on the Internet.

As all products in the market have a product id, we all have our own unique id, social security number. Today we all are identified as a combination of a series of digits. Digits that were once used for making the calculations, have had an edge over us, by giving us a unique identity in their language.

The day will not be far, when people will stop calling others by their names, but by their unique combination of digits. Thanks to the computers for monitoring our uniqueness, our own identity, which we have lost in the process of differentiation.

Body Pain

Well I am writing after a long gap. Too much busy. Always trying my luck in new fields. I can't fix my focus on a single target. When I feel that I should stop this job here and try out something else. I am forcing myself to work hard. Frankly speaking its getting on my nerves.

I spend more than 8hrs in front of my PC. The pain has started to show its true color from the various parts of my body. I am losing my posture. I just try to keep myself fit by doing a set of 20 pushups. Just to make sure that my upper body muscles stay in shape.

I have disturbed my daily routine. Instead of having the breakfast in the morning, I have it in the afternoon and my lunch during the tea time. Don't ask me about my dinner, When the whole world sleeps I start my dinner.

It's more than 10 months, since I am having this severe body pain. My right elbow joint, my back and the left side of my neck, they all sing in a chorus the painful melody.

After so many months, I have learned to live with them. Now its like my body pain is a part of my body. It always makes me realize the thin line of difference between living with pain and living without pain.

If there is no pain, then there is no gain. Hope you all are living healthy and are as fit as a horse.

My strange hobbies continued...

I have mentioned about my last two hobbies in my previous post. Now its time to tell you all about my first hobby, that is to observe people, to know more about them, to collect as much information as possible about them. That's why my friends call me a "Living Database". The good part is, I never reveal this information to anyone, just because I feel its not the right thing to do. Then what do I do with all this information, nothing. That's why I call it a hobby. We humans are quick learners and have a good grasping power. We easily remember things that we are interested in. This word "interest" plays a major role in our day to day life. Without this we won't do anything, no matter how important the work is.

Our memory is divided into three sections. Interesting, Uninteresting and Mechanical. Out of these, the first priority goes to mechanical, things that we do daily, like walking, talking, running or any other activities that are a part of our daily lives, including sex, are stored in this section of memory. We don't have to remember anything for performing these daily activities. It comes naturally to us, automatically. I really like this word "automatically".

The second priority goes to "interesting" things. We easily remember interesting things. We don't have to make a note of all the interesting things to remember. Neither we have to stress our brain hard to recollect these things. I hate this word "stress", the word itself gives me so much of stress.

Finally at last we have our favorite category "uninteresting". No body wants to remember things that is of no interest to us, no matter how important that thing is. Uninteresting category acts like a recycle bin. The choice is ours whether we have to retain it or delete it. Now don't tell me that, my blog is uninteresting. Okay fine, I know you all wouldn't say that.

Our hobbies falls in the middle of the mechanical and the interesting categories. Hobbies are activities that we do out of our own interest with no particular reason or motive behind it. Yes, I know my hobbies are strange.

My strange hobbies

Very often people ask me about my hobbies. I never had a proper answer for this. Maybe because, I myself didn't know about my hobbies. But today I have the answer, guess what? Okay, its strange but true, reading e-content. I just love to read e-books, web pages and any other thing in a computer. Its fun, a real fun.

If you are connected to the internet, then it makes your job even more easier. Many times, I don't feel like continuing with a content in a book, just because I don't get a continuity, certain points that I find difficult to digest. I am just curious to know more about that thing to maintain that momentum.

Thanks to the computer, now reading has become even more fun. You get stuck somewhere, just log on to any website or just make a search in "Google" and there you are with your answer. In this learning process, you even get to know even more about things that are related to your particular topic. Reading has never been so much pleasure. I have a computer with a 40GB hard disk. In that I have 12GB of e-contents. My friends laugh at me some times and call me a book worm and here I have to rectify them, call me an e-book worm.

Okay finally you people came to know about my third hobby. Now lets move towards my second hobby, absorbing within me a little bit of others characteristics. It can be good or bad, but most of the time good things. My second hobby makes me special in my peer group. They find me as an amalgamation of different personalities. Hae, I am not talking about a multiple personality disorder here. I am well aware about my switching personalities. Its always fair to have good and bad traits in you. Without good there is no bad and without bad there is no good. This is a law not by me but buy the nature, by the creator of everything. Knowingly or unknowingly we are following this law. This was the second law of nature . The first law says "Good always has an edge over the Bad". This law is self-explanatory, no need for an explanation here.

Now finally coming to my first hobby. Hae wait, I know you people are eager to know it. But if I write everything today, then what will I write tomorrow. Just have some pity on me. I am writing this post with my one eye open and the other one closed. My head is shifting its position like a pendulum. I feel its time to sleep.

Let's write a blog

Its 1:30 am here and I am writing this blog sitting inside my kitchen. I like to write at night when everyone sleeps. I usually write when I can't sleep because my main processor is always working. It never rests. I always come out with strange ideas which obviously don't work, its not that I come out with something that doesn't work. Its just that I don't get the right person to work with.

My ideas don't work just because there is no financial input, so there won't be any output. If I try to put some time it making it work, then there wouldn't be any output in my academics, if there is no output in academics then its of no use staying in this country. I know almost all the different ways by which I can earn a living, but out of it even if a single thing has to work, then I'll have to fill it with some genuine content. I sat all the day and thought from where on earth, I am going to bring that content.

After a lot of thinking, I thought, why don't I tell the world what I think. Earlier I was afraid because when I start revealing things, then I wouldn't stop. Its like only the truth, nothing more than that and nothing less than that. I don't want anyone to know about my true identity. Coming from such a respectable society, its not that difficult to find me. So I have to be very careful while writing things here.

I am an introvert, few say, not everyone. Let's shed this image. I am putting my best efforts here to become an extrovert. I always maintain a diary, which only I can read, because no one knows about it. I don't share my secrets, my feelings, my thoughts with someone else even in my dreams.

Earlier I wanted no one to know about me, but now I want everyone to know about me. I earned nothing while living so secretly. But now I hope to earn something by living so openly. That's when I decided to write a blog, its one of the best way to communicate with interested strangers. Here at least people will get to know that such a person exist and I would love to read their comments. I just want to know what others think about me.

I can write in normal English, unfortunately I can't write like other English authors. I don't have a such a rich vocabulary. I never felt the need of it. But now after so many years I can feel the thirst, the hunger for more words. Maybe I am going through the third phase of my life, where things are falling back to normal and I am out of my past and living a new life today.

I never do things for a reason, sometimes I have to set myself in the search mode, where I make some wild searches within me. There are times when I find multiple reasons and find it difficult to choose, which one is the main reason behind it. Hope at least now , you all understand what my problem is. If yes, then please tell me. Since this is my first post, I feel I should stop here, otherwise my next 20 posts you will find in this one post.